oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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