8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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