Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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