Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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