So drunk its hurt
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
