Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
