I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize