All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
