I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize