fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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