I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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