hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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