youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
