I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
