Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
