I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
