sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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