mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
