So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
