Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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