Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
