I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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