I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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