At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
