Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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