there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
