I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
