So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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