I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
