So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
