I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
