The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
