guys are not supposed to queef...right?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
