Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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