What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
