well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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