Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
