Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I believe in your delicious
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
