I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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