I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
