I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
two words: eviction party
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
