Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
