he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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