I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
