rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
