i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize