Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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