The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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