Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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