Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
