I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
