I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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