i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
my poor anus
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
