Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
