I cannot find my penis.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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