My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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