when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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