In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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