She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
