What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
