Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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