You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We don't watch enough power rangers
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize