If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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