I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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