yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Panties = found
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
