Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
